Now, that’s an interesting title for a post of mine, isn’t it? Hey, though — I can’t be all political all the time, right? If you only read my writing when it comes to politics, this will disappoint you.
Our society seems to have some kind of agreement that the institution of marriage is losing some of its potency, and I can see why. Right wingers think so because we’re wanting to let homosexuals do it. Atheists say that it’s just a religious institution. Others say, “it’s just a piece of paper,” or that it doesn’t mean anything with a 50% divorce rate. Some say that it’s unnatural to assume we’ll be happy with just one person.
I’d like to offer a quick disclaimer — if you’re a member of one of the above groups and feel that I have unfairly characterized you, just know that I was overgeneralizing on purpose and I don’t necessarily believe that’s a completely typical attitude.
When it comes to this subject, feel free to offer feedback and indicate an agreement or lack thereof. After all, while I don’t feel that life experience is calculated in years (I think it’s calculated in experiences), there are those of you that have much more experience than I in this area.
I don’t think that marriage is cheapened, or that it has lost its potency. I don’t believe that gays marrying affects it at all, and people with short-term or shallow marriages can deal with that themselves. I do not believe that it is for everyone, though. My opinion is that, while there are certainly a higher percentage of failed marriages (interestingly, there is an inverse correlation with rates of infidelity. Divorce is up, but cheating is down), that just makes the ones that succeed that much more amazing. Seriously, guys. What’s cuter than old people in love?
It must be pointed out that I have a somewhat biased point of view on this, as I am engaged to be married in September of this year. However, that’s the source of some of these thoughts. My soon-to-be wife isn’t going to be changing her last name because we’re young, passionate and stupid. She isn’t marrying me because we have a great physical attraction, or because we’re silly enough to believe that we magically met the “one” person somehow designed for us at the tender ages of 18. We have all of that (well, she lacks the stupidity), but it’s not why we’re marrying.
We’re marrying each other because we’re best friends and it just makes sense. I mean that in a business sense, almost. We match each other in ways that simply make the system of our relationship greater than the sum of its parts.
My grandfather has an old-school approach to his marriage. He said his vows, and he meant them. Because of that, he’s stuck by his wife since she was eighteen, giving them fifty years of marriage together. Was it always perfect? No. Were they both better for it? Yes.
Marriage can certainly work for the right people, and when it does, it’s amazing. For the right people, it’s a sound decision. I don’t recommend ever rushing into anything — my fiancee and I have been friends since we were children — but I don’t like seeing the bad rap marriage gets from…well, everywhere.
I don’t think that there are “perfect couples,” “love at first sight” or “soul mates.” What I do think is that two individuals that are well-suited to each other (this could mean similarities, sharp contrasts or really anything specific to them as a potential couple) have the potential of having a relationship. That relationship has the potential to develop into something long-term or permanent…but that the “potential” is nearly always raw and undeveloped. If you want it to develop into something lasting, you must constantly tend it.
My mother once told me that a relationship involves three people — the two in it, and the relationship itself. You have to put equal effort into taking care of all three. My personal theory involves particle physics and wave functions (I’m serious. If you’re interested, let me know), but hey! Each to their own.
What are your thoughts on marriage and love?
This is excellent Justin. As a woman who has been married for over 30 years to the same man, you hit the nail on the head. Marriage takes work, not emotion. I know people who allowed a serious problem destroy their marriage, and later they regretted it. I’m not saying that everyone who has a major serious conflict should stay married, but many people today don’t seem to know HOW to get through the bad stuff. My husband and I have been through miscarriage, disabled children, job losses, family deaths, and betrayal by people we trusted, and other stresses. Any one of these things could have pulled us apart and frequently people’s marriages ARE destroyed. But our marriage is better for pulling together to get through the bad stuff. And once again, every marriage IS unique and what I can deal with may be a deal breaker for another person. In the end, you have to respect your spouse, it has to be part of the love. Lack of respect WILL destroy a marriage.
i personally enjoy reading anything you write.. on ANY subject.. and i think you hit the nail on the head.. in several ways..
and yes. i now count myself among those pushing for the right for gay people to be able to marry,
because i happen to be one.. even though the thought of asking for someone to endorse something i felt innately seemed preposterous – never mind the absurdity of a religious ceremony..
but like you, i have seen the partnership in it’s best light.. and i have observed how the law is forced to follow common sense..
and i like that.
i congratulate you on your upcoming marriage!
maybe one day i can tell you i’m following your lead, man..
A thoughtful and wonderful article–thank you! I got married when I was twenty; definitely rushed into things with a man I passionately loved and who loved me, though neither of us had thought it through in the least. We divorced after 5 years. Now I am contemplating marriage again, 13 years later, with a man who is considerably younger than myself, but who I feel is made for me–and I for him. We have already weathered some bad storms, but they have made our love stronger. Lastly, your mother’s superb advice to you echoes Marian Paroo’s words (in “The Music Man”) about love (I’m paraphrasing): “…A man who loves me more than himself, and who loves us more than he loves me.” That attitude and approach seems to be key. Thanks again for tackling this thorny issue, and for shedding such a positive light upon it! Good luck and many blessings to you and your fiancee <3
While I agree with most of what you had to say about marriage, as a non-religious person I disagree with the statement that marriage is a religious institution. I realize that you said most Atheist’s feel this way. I’ve studied many different cultures and can say that marriage and binding ceremonies have been around for thousands of years, based on religion and not. At the age of 50 what I have learned is that marriage or your partnership is there to serve the needs of the two people in it. Not society, not other family members, not friends, not the church, not religion. I’ve never believed in finding the right person but being the right person and I don’t believe in temptation but that being with someone is the choice you make everyday.
Thank you so much for your comment, because it addresses something that I feel I didn’t cover well enough.
I certainly do NOT believe marriage is a religious institution. I meant to say that I disagree with atheists who say it is so.
As an atheist, I just want to say, I don’t think atheists think marriage is a religious institution. Rather, they might refer to it as an institution.
Mostly, I would think that atheists would rather be looked upon a just an individual, a person. There is not one thing they agree on, except, there are no gods. The closest thing you might compare them to would be pagens. Pagens have many different gods they would venerate. Each preferring their own, according to sect. Atheists would be at the opposite part of the spectrum, having none.
I do not speak for all atheists, this is only what I have observed, & this is only my opinion.
Justin, I have come to your site because of the postings on AddictingInfo. I did not expect to see blog post like this one but I do appreciate it. I think this is still a branch of politics and I also believe a person’s view on love and marriage has a strong influence on their political views. I agree with you when you said “I don’t think that there are “perfect couples,” “love at first sight” or “soul mates.”” I have always told people that I do not believe in “love” but to expand upon that, I believe anyone is capable of loving anyone else. I think because you build close relationships with people, one may be stronger than others or they may be all equal. Marriage is just a commitment to one of those people. I (as a non-religious person) also agree that marriage is not a religious institution. Yes, the church stole it, but they are not the ones who can define and re-define it. There have been same sex marriages for years before the church took control. Additionally, on you Feb 23 posting, Thank you for being an Ally! You give kids who see no hope, a shred of light. Thank you for your post!